The 6 Square Enix bad guys we’d put on our super villain team

We’re building a legion of evil - here are the villains we’d pick
By Duncan Heaney

What are your plans for the weekend? Here on the Square Enix Blog team, we’ve been busy plotting world domination... so pretty standard morning really.

But, as the famous saying that we just made up goes, to take over the world you need a good team by your side. A sort of… A-Team of Evil, if you will.

Fortunately, the worlds of Square Enix are filled with various villains and nefarious ne’er do wells, all ready for recruitment into our crew of crooks. And that’s a good thing, because we have quite few roles to fill…

Join us as we discuss our options:

The Muscle - Lawrence Barrett, Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Every team needs a strong-arm man, and Barrett’s arms are very strong indeed. Literally - they’ve been cybernetically enhanced.

Hold on - Barret from FINAL FANTASY VII? I thought he was a good guy…

No, not that one! The spelling is totally different - there’s a whole extra t!

Anyway, this Barrett hails from the not very far-flung future of Deus Ex: Human Revolution. He’s a member of the Tyrants Black Ops team, and not only is he a highly-trained soldier, he’s also had significant augmentations made on his body.

Ooh - like what?

Well, I’ve already mentioned the arms. If he gets you in one of his special hugs, it’s going to hurt. A lot.

Oh, and one of his arms also contains a machine gun - so he’s effective at range as well as up close.

Utilized properly, he’s a real threat - for example, he’s been known to be particularly good at stopping those who try to sneak past him.

I bet that was frustrating for them!

They made their feelings known, yes.

Unfortunately, he’s had a bit of a slip since the launch of Deus Ex: Human Revolution Director’s Cut - more and more people have been able to sneak their way to victory against him.

Still, he’s powerful, intimidating and can take orders. What more could you ask for in the team heavy?

The Tactician - Kuja, FINAL FANTASY IX

If our plan of global conquest is to succeed, we need a tactician - someone smarter than us, who can see three moves ahead of everyone else.

Hey - we’re smart.

You can’t even tell the difference between Barrett and Barret!

Anyway, when you seek a man with a plan, there aren’t many better picks than FINAL FANTASY IX’s Kuja. He’s something of a tactical genius - capable of enacting incredibly complex plots over months or even years.

How does he do it?

The key is that Kuja is unburdened by bothersome things like empathy, or conscience. He’s cold, calculating, cruel and ruthlessly effective as a result.

You can see this throughout FINAL FANTASY IX - he fosters war between the nations of Alexandria and Burmecia and manipulates Queen Brahne into threatening and torturing her own daughter… all to further his own ends.

Any other perks?

He’s also an established arms dealer. Fancy having an army of magic-wielding Black Mages?

You know that I do.

Well, Kuja can supply that.


The Financier - Nathan Prescott, Life is Strange

World domination ain’t cheap. We’ll need lots of money to pay for things like equipment, travel and snack foods.

We could do a Kickstarter…

Better idea - we recruit Life is Strange’s Nathan Prescott.

He’s the son of the Prescott family - the richest and most influential family in Arcadia Bay. That means he potentially has access to their ample wealth.

He’s amenable to working in a team too - so long as you keep him supplied with parties and other… indulgences.

He doesn’t look like much of a fighter.

True - he’s not likely to hold his own if some annoying do-gooder shows up.

That said, he does have blood on his hands - as anyone who’s played the opening of Life is Strange will know all too well.

The Con-Artist - Ardyn Izunia

When you’re trying to take over the world, you can’t get everything through force. Sometimes you have to lay on the charm… or just con your target into giving you what you want.

Enter Ardyn.

He looks pretty harmless...

Doesn’t he just. Quite amiable too.

But don’t be fooled - he may be a smooth operator, but Ardyn’s a grifter through and through.

In many ways, he’s like Kuja - a highly intelligent master planner. But Ardyn relies much more on unconventional charm and personal manipulation to further his goals.

Just take a look at his shenanigans in FINAL FANTASY XV: he smarms his way up to chancellor of the Nilfheim Empire, manipulates both Noctis and his own allies multiple times (mainly by repeatedly weirding them out)… and it’s all part of the long con.

There’s loads more I could say, but if you want more insight into the tragic backstory of this most oddly likeable of villains, you should check out the new FINAL FANTASY XV DLC, EPISODE ARDYN… which is out right now.

Hold on, was this whole section an excuse to shamelessly promote FINAL FANTASY XV: EPISODE ARDYN?

Well… yes. Sort of.

I feel conned.

The Comic Relief - Gilgamesh, FINAL FANTASY XII THE ZODIAC AGE

Every team needs some comic relief. That’s doubly true when we’re amassing a team of such… let’s say ‘strong’ personalities.

You mean jerks.

I mean jerks.

Gilgamesh has appeared as an enemy and comedy character through much of the FINAL FANTASY series, most notably in FINAL FANTASY V. But it’s his FINAL FANTASY XII THE ZODIAC AGE iteration we’re going for.

You can meet Gilgamesh through the hunting side quest - he’s an elite mark.

‘Elite’ - that sounds good.

Well, titles can be deceiving.

As with all his all his appearances in the series, Gilgamesh is armed with an armory’s-worth of swords. Unfortunately, like most appearances, he’s an idiot.

It may look like he has access to swords of legend, like Cloud’s Buster Sword from FINAL FANTASY VII, Squall’s Revolver from FINAL FANTASY VIII, and Tidus’s Brotherhood from FINAL FANTASY X, but a closer look reveals that they’re all knock-offs.

He’s also got a bit of an attitude - he’s far more arrogant than his success rate justifies. I mean, he’s as likely to fall off a bridge as he is to KO an enemy force.

It does seem like he loses a lot of battles…

In fairness, he can put up a decent fight on occasion but… yeah. On the plus side, he’s pretty skilled at running away. That’s something, right?

The General - Commander Rourke, Shadow of the Tomb Raider

Finally, we should hire someone to lead us - ideally someone who can a organize an assault, but is a legitimate threat in their own right.

Commander Rourke fits the bill perfectly.

He’s the leader of the secret organization Trinity’s forces, able to covertly invade lost civilizations in mere days. He’s also a supremely well-trained operative - particularly when it comes to sniping.

In other words, someone to be admired, and feared in equal measure.

He doesn’t look that scary…

Put it this way - you remember how Konstantin from Rise of the Tomb Raider was a really threatening dude? Well, he answered to Rourke.

Okay - he's definitely scary!

On the downside, Rourke can nurse one heck of a grudge, and this can make him reckless.

He’s got a particular problem with Lara Croft - though considering how many of his operations she’s stuck her nose into, I suppose that’s fair enough.

Get Shadow of the Tomb Raider

And with that, I think we have our team!

With this legion of evil assembled, the world will soon tremble under our oppressive rule! Mwahahaha!

Or… we could just spend the weekend playing videogames instead…

…yeah, that sounds more fun. We can always take over the world next week, right?

I’m interested though readers - who would make your team? Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter: